Jody

How are you feeling today?

I’m feeling tender today; these questions have been sitting with me for several weeks now and have allowed me to reflect deeply on my childlessness as part of life’s journey. And mixed into that tenderness is a deep gratitude for my childless life, and for the possibilities and openings that it has given me. This last year has been a tumultuous one as I have been letting go of a huge part of my work, the Gateway Women Online Community, which I created ten years ago and which I have now passed into the stewardship of the younger generation with Katy Seppi of ‘Childless Collective’, under its eponymous new name, the Childless Collective community. Katy is eighteen years younger than me; my mother is eighteen years older than me, and the passing of this torch is moving me deeply. And with this letting go, I am also excited about what is gradually opening up for me - the time to finish my novel (with a childless heroine of course) that I’ve been working on for several years, and also giving space to my emerging Gateway Elderwomen project, and building a house by the sea in rural Ireland. Although I used to feel that I had been cast out of the natural order of things by my childlessness, I slowly came to understand that I was still connected to the deeper natural cycles of life and death. For me, finding a way to pass on wisdom and preparing to be forgotten are some of the necessary tasks of becoming a conscious childless elderwoman. It seems that I do like a challenge!

What are you most proud of?

I’m very proud that in 2011, sitting alone in my bedsit, feeling like the only childless woman in the entire universe, I started a little blog that I called 'Gateway Women'. Amazingly, I got my first piece of publicity the next day, and not long after that I was interviewed by The Guardian newspaper for an article that went viral and is still being read today. I am beyond proud that pouring my heart and soul into Gateway Women for a decade plus has been rewarded by it becoming the globally recognised and trusted ‘name’ that it is today and that it has helped countless thousands of childless women to heal their hearts, find new hope for their childless lives and make some kickass new friends and connections too - me included! I also got to fulfil a dream I’d had since I was a young girl - to become a published author and I’m very proud of my book ‘Living the Life Unexpected’, first self-published in 2013 and now in its second edition with Bluebird/PanMacmillan.

What is your biggest learning in life so far?

My childlessness brought me first to my knees and then even lower into the darkest place I’ve ever been, and I’d had plenty of tough times already in life. I washed up on the shores of midlife homeless, jobless, family-less, petless, partnerless, friendless, childless, and with a heart so broken that it didn’t occur to me that it could ever be whole again, or even that I’d want it to be. As a place from which to ‘create a Plan B’, it was deeply unlikely; and yet something in me refused to give up. Looking back now, I can see that my heart had been so hardened by trauma and loss (childhood, relational and intergenerational) that it actually took my childlessness to break it open again. Because from this despair arose the long-lost longings of my childhood self; to feel connected, to be close to nature, to make the world a kinder place, to express myself in words. Living with grief, befriending grief, trusting grief and writing about grief turned out to be my greatest teacher. Grief has mothered and fathered me into becoming the adult I was meant to be and now, if I’m on my knees, it’s with deep gratitude for its sacred teachings.

What are your hopes for the future?

I recently keynoted at a conference and was introduced as ‘the founder of the childless movement’, which rather took me aback; it’s certainly not what I set out to do - I just kept doing the next scary, challenging, unpopular, unprofitable thing, and then the next, and a decade later it seems to have added up to something! However, with the perspective of having been active and involved over such a long period, what I sense is now necessary for the ‘childless movement’ is a maturation from the personal to the collective experience. Every other ‘group’ in society has an organisation that advocates for it at political, social and policy levels, and non-parents need one too - not to reinforce the unnatural and unnecessary divide that pronatalism has created between those with and without children, but hopefully to make allies and common cause with them. Because creating a more equitable society will make it a better one for them and their children too. Personal development may change our own lives, but it’s not going to change the world and make it a kinder, more equitable place for younger generations of childless women to inhabit, or for any of us to age in. I think it’s time for the childless movement to represent itself in formal and organised ways, and to refute the ugly and inaccurate narratives of ‘selfishness’ that cling to us. Over the next ten to twenty years, as the impact of population decline starts to be felt economically, I anticipate growing push-backs against female reproductive rights, and a vilification of women without children as somehow being ‘to blame’. It’s time to get organised, get funded, own the narrative and counter it. And that’s why the work that Christine J Erickson at the New Legacy Institute is so important, and why I have volunteered as an Ambassador for World Childless Week every year since it’s inception in 2017.

What would you tell your younger self?

I’d like to tell my younger self that just being a good person doesn’t mean you’ll get the life you want, or think you deserve, no matter how hard you work, because it doesn't work that way - life’s not fair, and this is not your fault. Bad things happen to good people and wonderful things happen to really quite shitty people, so it’s really nothing to do with you… However, the good news is that you don’t get just one shot at creating a life you love; sometimes you learn things from your dreams not coming true that give you skills and perspectives that, when you are ready to pick yourself up off the floor again, enable you to build a life that works for you in ways you could never have imagined before. So take the time you need to rest, really rest, lick your wounds, allow grief to heal your heartbreak and then, when you feel (almost) ready, have another go. Because it’s never too late and you’re never too old to start again. And when you are back on your feet, recognise your privilege and remember to offer a hand to those still on the floor - it’s not their fault either and kindness is everything in this life. 

When or where are you happiest?

I’m happiest on an Irish beach in the pale winter sun, a strong Atlantic breeze in my face and my dear little dog Parsnip for company. Or somewhere with a book full of challenging new ideas and no wifi signal! I also find a deep sense of meaning and purpose, which for me is a very important part of happiness, when I’m writing. I’ve been writing since I could hold a pencil, and it has a way of helping me make sense of my inner life like nothing else. I’m a lot more introverted than my public persona would suggest, and I find that as I edge closer to sixty, the part of me that needs silence, nature and deep reflection just keeps getting stronger.

What would you like to say to wider society?

I delivered my 2017 TEDx talk ‘The Lost Tribe of Childless Women’ to represent childless women’s experience in a parent-dominated world - and it’s been watched more than 200,000 times now. That was 5 years ago now and although the conversation has definitely begun to shift, it’s still only just getting started. There is an unconscious fear of childless people (childless women in particular) rooted in an ideology called ‘pronatalism’, that is so ingrained that many otherwise thoughtful and empathic parents demean and insult people without children in ways that, if it were any other minority, would be considered ‘hate speech’. The fact is, childless people are all around you; they are your friends, your colleagues, your siblings, your neighbours. Because we are a part of society, not apart from it. Childless women (and men) are currently one in five at midlife, and over the next fifteen years are likely to become one in three. We have always been here, holding together families, friendships, communities, organisations and civic society and we contribute so much to the world - just not biological children. Don’t be scared of us, we don’t bite!