Sarah

How are you feeling today?

My mood can fluctuate a lot. I will have periods when I feel really upbeat but then my mood will suddenly plummet and I often don’t know why. Whilst unsettling, I do feel that on the whole, I am much happier and more hopeful for the future.

What are you most proud of?

My resilience and having  the courage to join a tribe for women who are childless not by choice. This is a tribe I didn’t want to join or ever thought I would join but joining it has been one of the best things I have ever done and has been integral in helping me come to terms with my childlessness. I have made new friends and connections with some amazing women from all over the world who get and understand the disenfranchised grief of childlessness. What once seemed a very bleak and miserable future has been replaced with hope. Sunshine lights up what was once a dark and scary path and, whilst the sun still goes in, it comes out again. I do now believe that it is possible  to embrace the ‘life unexpected’ in a joyful and fulfilling way.

What is your biggest learning in life so far?

I have several but here are some:

Self care and self compassion are key.

To quote Theodore Roosevelt,  ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’  (This may be one of my biggest learnings so far but it’s soooo hard not to compare particularly when those pesky gremlins stick their claws in.)

Actually, I’m a pretty awesome person.

What are your hopes for the future?

To live a happy, healthy and fulfilled life well into my 90s.   Being closer to 60 than  50,  I do think more about who will be there for me as I age and have started wondering whether community living/co-housing may suit me during my older years.  I like the idea of living amongst others and where help is on hand but also been able to retain my independence for as long as I can.

What would you tell your younger self.

I’m so very sorry darling but you aren’t going to have children and you will still be single in your 50s.  Your heart will be broken and you will struggle to let go. You will  embark the ivf rollercoaster on your own and that will also fail BUT your resilience will shine through and whilst you never thought you would walk down the less trodden path of childlessness as a single woman, it will be more fulfilling than you think and you will make some wonderful new friendships along the way.

 Oh and, please don’t worry or stress quite so much about everything.

When or where are you happiest?

At last an easy question!  By the sea and preferably somewhere warm but bearing in mind I don’t live close to the sea (yet) , I also feel happy when I’m gardening, walking in the countryside and browsing in a bookshop.   

What would you like to say to wider society?

See us. Hear us. Many of the childless not by choice community feel like they live on the periphery like an outsider looking  into a life they thought that they too would be part of.

You rarely get over childlessness. There are triggers at most life stages.  Every childless person has a different experience and each experience is as valid as the other.

The childless not by choice population is likely to increase. Your child or grandchild may find themselves joining our community.  

Be kind. Be empathic. Listen if we want to share. We aren’t asking to be fixed, we just want our grief to be acknowledged.