Lucy
How are you feeling today?
I feel ok. My grief still varies and I struggle with certain situations but I feel hopeful that I am making progress. I feel more comfortable in my own skin than I did this time last year. If I can keep moving forward with my grief in this way then I hope to feel even stronger this time next year.
What are you most proud of?
I’m still here! I have worked through some extremely dark years and at one point I didn’t know how I could go on living with the intense grief of not being able to become a mother. It has taken a long time but I have persevered and am proud to know that I am coming out the other side. Simply being alive is a big accomplishment for me.
What is your biggest learning in life so far?
That life isn’t fair (and why should it be?!) Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, and vice versa. There’s no rhyme or reason to the hand we are dealt. As cliched as it is, we can’t have everything and we have to work with what we are blessed with and try to heal from our trauma and the pain of things we desperately longed for but will never have. Everyone has hardships in different areas of their lives. Childlessness is mine; for the next woman it may be something different.
Being unseen and now part of a minority for the first time in my life has taught me how privileged I have been until recently and has given me a small insight into what it might be like for other minority groups in the world.
What are your hopes for the future?
For society to recognise the childless not by choice experience and to be kinder and more understanding to us. For “have you got kids?” to become a question that fades out of favour as a conversation starter and is even seen as taboo! For us to be seen as worthy women in our own right regardless of whether we have the title ‘mother’ or not. For me to focus more on the things that bring me joy.
What would you tell your younger self?
Despite what you think, you are going to be ok. I promise.
When or where are you happiest?
Reading a new book, either sitting in a deckchair on the beach in summer or curled up on the sofa (with my dog) by the fire in winter, with cold drink or cuppa accordingly!
What would you like to say to wider society?
There’s so much behind a woman’s “no” if this is how she responds when you ask her if she has children. There could be a whole myriad of reasons for her childlessness. Please show compassion and respect and understand that being childless not by choice can be a very vulnerable, lonely and difficult place to be and intrusive questions or ‘helpful’ comments can be very hurtful.
Look for the Twenty Percenters – we are hiding in plain sight. Maybe the woman who goes quiet at work when colleagues excitedly discuss a staff pregnancy, possibly the woman who can’t ever make anyone’s baby shower, probably the woman who stays silent during a lengthy conversation on how many kids everyone has, quite likely the woman who loses touch with the group when all her peers start having first, second and third children and almost certainly the woman who has nothing to add whilst all her friends swoon as they share grandchildren photos.
And finally…Yes, I have considered adoption!