Sandra

How are you feeling today?

Today, I’m feeling peaceful. Life feels full, supporting clients, developing new workshops, addressing loved ones' health issues, working on projects, making travel plans, engaging in ongoing personal/professional development. I enjoy that fullness, at some points of my journey I never thought I would have the energy for a full life again, so, in general, I feel happy and fulfilled, and that gives me a sense of peace

That sense of peace comes in part from a difficult journey in accepting that childlessness is a living loss. It is easy to say that, and difficult to embody it, really accept it in our bones.  My automatic reaction when triggered was to criticise myself with thoughts like "I should be over this by now".  Which resulted in more intense feelings of sadness, frustration, inadequacy, guilt, fear, etc. I am only human and it is difficult to change this reaction, yet I catch these thoughts quicker now and try to meet myself with love, compassion, kindness, and share them rather than feeling shame.  When I am able to do this they pass much quicker.  So my grief does, and will, pop up from time to time, and that’s okay.

What are you most proud of?

Finding meaning in the mess.  Like everyone my life has had some huge ups and downs. I struggled to find my home, (living in Edinburgh, London, Warsaw, Amsterdam, before settling in Barcelona) I struggled to find my life partner (I was 39 when I finally met my husband with several failed relationship attempts behind me) and I failed to have my so desired child (freezing my eggs when I was single at 36, the heartbreak of baby losses (miscarriages), failed IVF and ultimately becoming permanently childless) .  

Yet with each struggle as I healed it felt like I pulled a layer of cultural expectations crap off, I was better able to discover or fine tune my real needs,  heal wounding from the past and move closer to living a life aligned with my values. We live in a society that has so many expectations for us, so when we can move closer towards meeting our needs and living our own beautiful, messy and complicated lives, I think that is something to proud of...

What is your biggest learning in life so far?

That healing is more fun in community!  Back in 2019 I was lost, unfulfilled and felt like my life had no meaning. Fast forward 12 months I stumbled across the wonderful World Childless Week 2020 which opened the door to our wonderful community, I set up a support circle and met some amazing women who I’m proud to call my friends.  We laughed, cried, screamed and celebrated together!  Finding your people who get you, gives an amazing sense of belonging.  And for me it was a bridge to finding more acceptance of myself and reconnecting with my friends and family.

The other one would be that our emotions, all of them are our friends and are full of wisdom.  Listen to them, love them and then let them be free!   I was brought up in Scotland where we were taught to suppress our emotions.  Whilst I had a passion for coaching since my early 30s the real hard hands on lessons came from my father’s suicide attempt in 2016 followed by my baby losses (miscarriages) in 2017/8. When we suppress our emotions they build up and consume us, dad’s suicide attempt was a real example of that, he suffered a disenfranchised grief too, where he was told to "shut up and be grateful for what he had", with pretty disastrous results.  With this example in mind it helped me reach out for therapy quicker, although that does lead to another lesson which is get support from people with lived experience of being childless.

What are your hopes for the future?

I hope that each childless person can find their own sense of peace whatever that looks like for them. And while folks reading this just now might think it’s impossible, that’s ok, sit with your grief for as long as you need, and go one step, one hour, or even one minute at a time.  (It can sometimes feel overwhelming to see people on the other side, remember most people in the public eye have been healing for 5+ years, be kind to you and go at your own pace.)

It’s amazing to see how the support for people in our community is growing, there are so many more events and opportunities to connect!  So I also hope that no one struggles with the sense of feeling worthless and empty like I did and can be brave enough to reach out and ask for help.

What would you tell your younger self?

You are so worthy of love, just as you.  You don't need a partner, fancy job or child to prove that.  You are loved and loveable just as you are.

When or where are you happiest?

In nature, be it watching the sunrise, playing with my dogs in the mountains, lazing on an exotic beach, seeing a shooting star, or one of favourites is watching penguins, they are hilarious, they are just like little drunk men trying to make their way home.  Anyone having a bad day try and find some YouTube videos of penguins we are allowed to laugh when we are grieving too.

What would you like to say to wider society?

That I’m grateful for everyone out there who is reading this, that I value your curiosity about our community, that while I may never fully understand your journey and you may never understand mine that if we both take a step towards each other with curiosity, compassion, and that we listen (really listen) without judgement, then is that not the love we are all seeking.